I thought I will always remember but over time it has become blur. And to the extent that all that happened seems an illusion now.
No, do not undermine the way I loved. Sitting out here in the backyard with my eyes closed, I still feel his breathe on my neck.I never could tell him just how secure and loved it made me feel.What really could I have said at a time like then when my mind failed me with words. His eyes snatched me away from my world. His smile left me wandering in this immensely pleasurable ocean of love and his every kiss sent jitters up my body.
I can still smell the denim scent he carried when we spent those priceless evenings in
the gardens.
Wind flew by in the softness of his warmth and looking into his dreamy eyes my world faded. The dreams we made of our future below those pink and blue skies now stand shattered. I still cannot believe that fate, with all its wonderous tricks, had this round the corner then. I am torn here today, with my mind wanting to block these memories out just so I can live again, and my heart wanting to love him even more just so that the love never dies.
I wish I had expressed my feelings to him more, the feelings which my heart yearned to gush out then. Perhaps that would have saved his heart from giving in.
Sometimes I sit out, and feel guilty. Feel responsible for what happened. I always knew I kept pushing him for small things which did not matter. I never should have. I knew all along that he loved me with all his heart, and I now know that nothing else matters. He always knew how to make me smile when I got back from work with an irritable mood. You know, couples do sometimes say harsh things to each other just so that they can feel better. He would never revert back with something harsh when I did that and gently soothe me with his loving and comforting words; the words which I crave for today in my now lonely life. I now know nothing else matters. Absolutely nothing else matters ...
I stand here with my soul torn apart between this fight of power between my mind and my heart. I have not been to work for the last one month. I do not even know if that still is my work place. I am living in a mess – both externally and internally. I stand here wishing I remain in this sorrow for the rest of my life. I am just too afraid to step out. This once hurt heart is now too tender for the ways of the world.
Signing off
Reshma
